Stick A Fork In Him
December 7, 2009, 9:28 PM
Filed under: NFL

By Jerry Coon

It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Gary Kubiak.

Now I know there were many pro-Kubiak fans out there that didn’t understand my pleas for his resignation. The few of you that thought to yourself, “I like Gary, but he is about one halfback-pass play call away from me jumping off the bandwagon.”

Well I welcome you to my bandwagon now. It’s pretty crowded. We can still fit a few more. Bob McNair said he is going to head over soon.

Going back to the game itself, obviously I am not blaming Kubiak for the Schaub injury in the first half. But someone explain to me why, when down 11 on first and ten from the five-yard line, would you call for a halfback pass?

For those of you that played in traffic after this play call like I did, I have the answers. It seems to be a play-by-play game plan from Kubiak himself during the Jacksonville debacle. Here it is:

First drive: Okay, we are down three. No big deal. I feel like Matt is going to have a great day today. We are definitely scoring a touchdown here. Nothing can stop us.

First play: Matt just went down. I might start hyperventilating. Okay he is holding his shoulder. He isn’t getting up. I wonder, if I sneak out of the stadium, would anyone notice?

Rest of first quarter: Rex is terrible. Maybe I should try Dan at quarterback. I can’t believe I am going to lose my job.

Beginning of second quarter:  Okay they just scored again. It’s only 10-0. Wait… okay now they scored again. Still, 17 points is still manageable. I just watched Peyton Manning do this last week.

Later in Second Quarter: MATT IS BACK! We just scored! We can do this! Okay, if Matt pulls this off, I will be the savior of Houston sports!

Third quarter: 20-7. We can still do this. I know we can. OH! Safety! 20-9! Here we go. I can’t watch. I am going to cover my face with this weird sheet I am holding that has something called “plays” on it.

Later in third quarter: Kris Brown made a 32-yard field goal! HA! And everyone wanted me to release him two weeks ago. In your face!

Fourth quarter: I need to regroup. We are down 11. I have about 12 minutes to make a miracle happen. This will save the season. Houston will erect a statue of me. This will be legendary.

8:33 left in game, 1st and goal from the five-yard line: I know it is risky, but I think a trick play is in order. We have been running the halfback pass all week. Chris can make that throw. Everyone keeps arguing with me and Kyle, telling us we are stupid. Yeah, right. How could this possibly go wrong?

8:28 left in game: WHAT WAS I THINKING? Matt won’t talk to me. He just told me I couldn’t coach my way through a buffet line. Everyone is staring at me. Kyle is crying and on the phone with his dad. I wonder what I should do once they fire me? Maybe A&M could use an offensive coordinator. I just heard Andre whisper something about ‘this team will win it all when we get a new coach.’ That hurts ‘Dre. That hurts.

And of course the Texans scored once again on pass from Schaub to Johnson. Down five with four minutes left, however, they forgot how to tackle and lost the game.

I don’t even have to say anything at this point. I have entered the “acceptance” stage of depression. I accept that the Texans are 5-7. I accept that Chris Brown cost us the game both times we played Jacksonville. I accept that three different players threw an interception on Sunday. I accept that the Texans, picked to make the playoffs by most analysts, finished with a division record of 1-5.

But what I refuse to accept, is any thought or belief that the being known as Gary Kubiak has anything productive to bring to this franchise. Good riddance, Gary. I am officially sticking a fork in you. Repetitively.

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