Stick A Fork In Him
December 7, 2009, 9:28 PM
Filed under: NFL

By Jerry Coon

It certainly does seem to be raining shit on Gary Kubiak.

Now I know there were many pro-Kubiak fans out there that didn’t understand my pleas for his resignation. The few of you that thought to yourself, “I like Gary, but he is about one halfback-pass play call away from me jumping off the bandwagon.”

Well I welcome you to my bandwagon now. It’s pretty crowded. We can still fit a few more. Bob McNair said he is going to head over soon.

Going back to the game itself, obviously I am not blaming Kubiak for the Schaub injury in the first half. But someone explain to me why, when down 11 on first and ten from the five-yard line, would you call for a halfback pass?

For those of you that played in traffic after this play call like I did, I have the answers. It seems to be a play-by-play game plan from Kubiak himself during the Jacksonville debacle. Here it is:

First drive: Okay, we are down three. No big deal. I feel like Matt is going to have a great day today. We are definitely scoring a touchdown here. Nothing can stop us.

First play: Matt just went down. I might start hyperventilating. Okay he is holding his shoulder. He isn’t getting up. I wonder, if I sneak out of the stadium, would anyone notice?

Rest of first quarter: Rex is terrible. Maybe I should try Dan at quarterback. I can’t believe I am going to lose my job.

Beginning of second quarter:  Okay they just scored again. It’s only 10-0. Wait… okay now they scored again. Still, 17 points is still manageable. I just watched Peyton Manning do this last week.

Later in Second Quarter: MATT IS BACK! We just scored! We can do this! Okay, if Matt pulls this off, I will be the savior of Houston sports!

Third quarter: 20-7. We can still do this. I know we can. OH! Safety! 20-9! Here we go. I can’t watch. I am going to cover my face with this weird sheet I am holding that has something called “plays” on it.

Later in third quarter: Kris Brown made a 32-yard field goal! HA! And everyone wanted me to release him two weeks ago. In your face!

Fourth quarter: I need to regroup. We are down 11. I have about 12 minutes to make a miracle happen. This will save the season. Houston will erect a statue of me. This will be legendary.

8:33 left in game, 1st and goal from the five-yard line: I know it is risky, but I think a trick play is in order. We have been running the halfback pass all week. Chris can make that throw. Everyone keeps arguing with me and Kyle, telling us we are stupid. Yeah, right. How could this possibly go wrong?

8:28 left in game: WHAT WAS I THINKING? Matt won’t talk to me. He just told me I couldn’t coach my way through a buffet line. Everyone is staring at me. Kyle is crying and on the phone with his dad. I wonder what I should do once they fire me? Maybe A&M could use an offensive coordinator. I just heard Andre whisper something about ‘this team will win it all when we get a new coach.’ That hurts ‘Dre. That hurts.

And of course the Texans scored once again on pass from Schaub to Johnson. Down five with four minutes left, however, they forgot how to tackle and lost the game.

I don’t even have to say anything at this point. I have entered the “acceptance” stage of depression. I accept that the Texans are 5-7. I accept that Chris Brown cost us the game both times we played Jacksonville. I accept that three different players threw an interception on Sunday. I accept that the Texans, picked to make the playoffs by most analysts, finished with a division record of 1-5.

But what I refuse to accept, is any thought or belief that the being known as Gary Kubiak has anything productive to bring to this franchise. Good riddance, Gary. I am officially sticking a fork in you. Repetitively.

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The Blame Game
December 1, 2009, 8:07 PM
Filed under: NFL

If Megan Fox...er Bill Cowher is interested in the Texans...then so are we.

By Jerry Coon

I won’t sit here and harp on the fact that the Texans just gave away their first legitimate shot at the playoffs in the matter of six days.

I won’t try to analyze how the Texans had a 17-0 lead on the Colts and blew it with a complete meltdown.

All I know is I am sick of saying, “there’s always next year,” or “if we could have done this differently, we could be this record.”

Sure, if the Texans handled business dating back to the Monday night game against the Titans, we could be looking at a 7-4 team sitting pretty in the wild card spot.

Instead, we see a 5-6 underachieving, poorly coached catastrophe that needs to close games.

There are four games that came down to the final two minutes, and the Texans choked.

The window for the playoffs is drastically fading, and the only chance to make it in would be to finish with a five-game winning streak.

Now I know anything is possible, but do you trust this team to get that accomplished?

So that brings up the blame game. Who do we point our finger at now?

True, a once-clutch field goal kicker has gone off the deep end, but in some of those situations, the game should have been closed without having to rely on his leg.

You could blame a second-year running back in Steve Slaton who couldn’t hold onto the ball, and now has his confidence completely shot because his coach buried him on the bench for too long (until the Colts game Sunday, Slaton had barely been seen in three weeks).

Or you could go to the main source of the problem.

What would the Texans have to do at this point for Kubiak to be safe?

I would say only that aforementioned five-game winning streak followed by a playoff appearance saves him at this point.

If the Texans pull out another mediocre 8-8 or 9-7 season, do we really want to have this guy at the helm next season? He can’t even watch his field goal kicker try for a 32-yarder.

On a related note, Bill Cowher is rumored to have said he would coach either the Bears or Texans if he was to come back.

If this is a possibility, do we jump on it?

Let me put it this way: Bob McNair needs to grab his checkbook, pull out a blank check, and hand it to Cowher.

Tell him to write any amount he wants on it, and come coach for the Texans.

I understand Kubiak is home-grown and went to Texas A&M and is one of the “good guys,” but at some point you have to do what’s best for the team.

Keeping Kubiak (at coach) is like going out to the bar and meeting up with a girl you have known all your life. She isn’t the greatest catch, her looks and personality are average and she is crazy in the head, BUT you have known her since childhood and are comfortable being around her. She tells you that she wants to start a long-term relationship, and you contemplate settling.

Then, Megan Fox walks into the bar. She comes up to you and tells you she thinks you are attractive and wants you to come hang out with her at a more upscale bar and possibly an after party at her hotel room.

What are you going to do in that situation?

I’ll see you at the afterparty.